querido_dulce

( I Say )

I always find myself almost comfortable in a position where I'm hugging myself - when I'm on the trains to school and back. When my music is plugged in, I forget the world and I just miss you all over again. Every day I feel a little more life leave me when I have to brace myself and battle a day full of monsters. Maybe, only maybe, at night when I sleep and I am lucky, this little part of life comes back. Every night I pray that I'd find the strength to fight this one more day, to get through it and to emerge well and happy, seeing you at the end of it. There's no way I'm giving up, there's no way I'm giving up on us. But with all the stress and mental torture and emotional secure attachment, its tough. And it gets tougher. I won't give up.

Everytime I have time alone to myself, I find myself sighing and my gaze falling to the lowest point of wherever my eyes can go. I have no interest in anything. I don't want to do anything. If I could, I'd wna sleep and get through the many days so that the day that you come out will be here sooner.

No one understands me, no one has been in my position so I shouldn't expect anyone to anyway. Those who complain about my missing you, or find me ridiculous, shouldn't. Because they've not had a love like ours and they've not been through whatever we have conquered. They've not known each other for half their lives and they've not spent every single minute together. They don't know what its like to fully depend on someone and they don't know what it takes to fully have faith and leap wholeheartedly into a relationship. They're in love, they've been through time together, they've had fun together but it's not the same.They're no where near where we are. They don't know each other inside out, they're not there for each other all the time. They go through events, that are meant to be encountered as a couple, separately and they don't sacrifice as much as we do. They're no where near where we are. I'm really dying out here but no one knows, even if they claim they do or if they bother anyway.

You're the kind of story book boyfriend that every girl wants. You never let me walk away in a fight, you'll never leave me angry, you'll never wait a minute longer to make me smile, you wipe away my tears, you never hold back hugs, you kiss me on the forehead and tell me I'm beautiful just the way i am, you hold me tight when I'm feeling scared and with you, you'll carry me across puddles or home when i'm tired, you'll tuck me into bed, you wake up in the middle of the night just to hug and kiss me before going back to sleep. You automatically flip newspapers for me because i don't like to get my hands black, you let me win in almost all games we play, you cook lovely meals for me and sing me darn cute songs while playing the guitar. You have endless amounts of patience and understanding that no one else ever will have for me and you always believe in me. And with you, I can become anything. You love me so much more than i thought any one could love another. And i want to love you as much or more. I have never been any happier since you walked into my life 8 years ago.

Thank you for never letting me go, always holding me tight and for loving me and teaching me how to love another. You're the best i can ever have and you are perfect to me.

Many would say they can't go to bed without their other half, most would say that they can't live without their other half or that life was tough without their other halves around. But how many of them my age has spent 4 years together with their partners? How many of them have actually spent every single damn second together with their partners for at least the past two years? At that, every word i have said, is without a single bit of exaggeration. How many people can actually say something like that? That the past 3 years now, not a minute was spent apart. Not on holidays, not on birthdays, not with separate friends or families. And every single activity, event and time on the time line was spent together, never apart. And who can say that now, at this point in time, after knowing their partner for 8 years of their life, spending more than half of that time in a relationship and that partner being there for them through their happiest moments, saddest moments, the most terrifying and the most unbelievable circumstances, is the one that they can't sleep without? I've grown up with this guy, grown up into the lifestyles, habits and everything else of this guy, i've lived for this guy and this guy taught me how to live like no one else has ever been able to teach me. This guy who has been there for me in the darkest times when even my family failed to notice. This man who takes me in when no one else does and this man who never lets me sleep angry, sad or scared. This man who has been there in my life ever since i was a teenager, and this same man who has made every wrong right again and every right seem so much better. This man who loves me so much more than any other and whom i love with all my heart. Now i get to say that i can't fucking sleep without this man, and i can't fucking get my head straight and do anything without this man by my side. For one more time in many times of selfishness, i am going to say that no one understands me, or not many. This is my soulmate, one who never gets anything wrong, and if ever any one got the idea that he did, it was just me over expecting so much of someone who's already perfect. I get to say that without this man, i wake up crying and without his arms around my head i can't sleep. I get to say that without waking up to him, i don't feel right and i don't know how to start my day. I get to say that i fall asleep with tears in my eyes just knowing i've got through one more day and i have so many more to go. And no one, except my sister will ever know the pain i feel whenever i see him walk away. The pain i hold back when i see him leave and i know that the moment he leaves, the day is going to get so much harder.

What I'm trying to say is that no one understands me on this point. How attached i feel towards my boyfriend, how deeply it tears and rips my heart to see him walk away each week, how this pain never goes away like how every body says it does, how no one can replace him even my family and how everything just comes to a standstill whenever he's away. I am thankful that this Army is only going to last 2 years and i can have him back to myself once again after the time spend of 2 years is up. I can never last a lifetime like that seeing him leave and go ever so often. Many will not understand why i cannot live a day without him and maybe would even find me weak but these are the people that don't understand a bond so strong it may be detrimental, but a bond so strong, it's one they have never felt before.

You told me to make a list of what I missed and here it is:
1. I miss hugging you
2. I miss kissing, touching and holding you
3. I miss turning around and running to you whenever something scares me like the daily thunders and lightings
4. I miss sleeping next to you and waking up next to you
5. I miss you hugging me from the back so tight
6. I miss your voice
7. I miss how we lay in bed and do nothing or watch movies
8. I miss ordering food with you
9. I miss going out on dinner dates with you
10. I miss going to the theatres for movies with you, eating popcorn
11. I miss seeing your smile
12. I miss laughing with you
13. I miss wrestling with you
14. I miss arguing with you
15. Quite significantly, I miss being cute with you cause I can't do that
to any one else and even if I did, they wouldn't respond half as well as
you always do
16. I miss your smell
17. I miss you telling me everything's gna be alright or telling me how good the world is
18. I miss you being here to love me and protect me
19. I just miss every part of you and every reaction you have to me.
20. I just miss, you.

And these were just off hand and written down in 1 minute tops. If i were to continue, the list would go on forever.
I love you baby <3

Out of a heap of negative and soul dampening posts, I reckon I should
have one that completely expresses extreme excitement, happiness and
appreciation. Feeling on top of the world, I had to blog now before
something else comes along and bursts this bubble of sunlight and
elation. I am only thankful for yesterday as to me, it was the one time
and the very first in my life, where I felt I could do something right
it I tried hard enough. I felt reassured that I'm not a good for
nothing, that I am not useless and that I shouldn't look down on myself
so much. I should internally harp on this achievement for as long as I
harboured on all my failures and setbacks to make it worth it. Finally, I
feel that the world has told me I have the abilities and knowledge to
get a hold of something if I wanted to, only if I wanted to and set my
mind to it. Definitely, I cannot get complacent and this only makes me
more driven to push myself to greater heights because now I know, I can.


I thank God for placing the events so neatly and appropriately,
and so well-timed. I cannot be more grateful for Him. Also important,
my friends - every single one of them who has been there for me in one
way or another. Friends who heard me rant, complain and comforted and
encouraged me constantly in so many ways possible. Without my friends,
I'd really be nothing and I'd get no where. I am thankful, at this point,
for every single thing i have laid out in front of me.

It sucks how after going through a whole day of school, ups and downs, numerous set backs and maybe a handful of positive situations, i get back to a home - quiet. It sucks how i wait for days after days to hear from you minute after minute till it comes to a point where i don't wait anymore and i don't hope anymore. It also sucks how when i go through a day of shit, and because of you and your limited time, i don't get a reply for anything and i still have to go through your problem that really seems a lot less important than mine. I hate waiting without knowing what's gna happen, especially when i know it's more often than not, not going to be a pleasant surprise. I hate it that i have so little time with you such that i'm at a point (or maybe it's just today, i really don't know) where i feel that sometimes, i don't even think of you anymore. I am not as quick to think of you when i'm in trouble, feeling down, or upset anymore because you're never here anyway. What's there that you can do to help me besides no replies or words lesser than a sentence? It's sad that the person i used to rely on the most, suddenly without realization, through a conditioned response, i grow less dependent on you and maybe more dependent on other sources or myself. I hate that this is happening, i hate that you're not here and most of all, i hate that i have to be all alone. This is fucking tough.

I'm facing so much uncertainty, countless fears and so many obstacles that lie ahead. I have so much on my mind but all i need is you. No one else understands me the way you do, and no one knows how to react better to me compared to you. Can't you see how much i'm struggling? Without you i feel like i am nothing, and i can accomplish nothing. I can rant, complain and seek help or compassion from every one around me but at the bottom of it all, who really cares? Who else comforts me the way you do? Who else willingly bothers to comfort me for the sake of me being happy and to take away my burdens instead of just doing what's "politically right" or doing whatever they need just to shut me up? I need to feel the sincerity you have in you, the warmth and the plain overwhelming assurance you emit. I need you here to walk me through my fears every step of the way, to pick me up when i fall down and to assure me with the most confidence i've ever seen coming from any one person that everything is going to turn out fine, before i even start to face my fears. I want to feel again that someone will go all out to hold the world up for me and make sure that every where i step, the world is exactly how i thought or hoped it would be. I want to feel like someone is there to protect me and keep me safe and make sure that every thing that's wrong is made right again for my sake. Because right now without you, i feel like i am at the pit bottom of every bit of the meaning of the word miserable and i am all alone. I am holding up this collapsing pillar in me, by myself when usually, you are the one who keeps me steady. You were my pillar. My pillar of strength, hope, courage, love and life. But with you gone, i am lost within myself and everything else that goes around me. From the point in time of my life when i started molding my character, my life and going through my major transition periods, you were always there, at every single one of them. And before i could learn to take care of, deal with and handle myself, you were gone. Unfortunately, it happens to coincide with one of my toughest stages of transitions. And here i am struggling to keep everything in me alive and fighting too. But the fire in me is burning out and you're my answer to everything but with such limits to having you to push me on how far can i go? I am grappling just trying to  keeping my head above the waters, keeping in mind my constant pressured fears of whatever that lurks underneath. I need you, i really do. Because i know that whenever i have you, every pain magically disappears, every problem mysteriously fades and every fear just dissipates. Because of you, i am more than i can ever be when i am alone with me, without you.



I love you, forever and a day.

Since the time that school had started, it was almost immediately where a slam of a pile of never ending work landed on my table. Not mentioning the time, or should I say, with the lack of time to keep track of time itself, time flew by. When I actually look up, sit back and stop for a moment, I realized that much had gone by. When I get back papers that tell me how well I do at school or how much I am falling behind, I either find myself making a mental note of praise or that I must buck up. School triggers a never-ending internal battle of determination and temptation to just give in. Never before have I worked so hard for anything on the basis of academics. But then again, I remember the times I had to push myself time after time again despite dozens of failures. I remember the times I worked relatively hard in painful attempts to achieve what I aimed for.  No matter how many times I had failed, I managed to pick myself up again and carry on. What right do I have to tell myself that I can’t do the same this time around? On what basis do I know that I will not make it through and that all this effort will go down the drain? None. I may have fallen, a thousand of times. But the main thing is that I got through it; I picked myself up, dusted myself and carried on. Whatever it was, I made it through and so will I again once more.

All this for a piece of paper gold.

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away

I crawl up in a corner
To watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you comin' back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time 'til I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I'll take
I'm callin' your name
I can take the distance

I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I'll take
I callin you're name
I can take the distance

I brave fire
And I brave rain
To be by your side
I do anything
I can't take the distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That's how much you mean
It's hard to remember as long as you're away
When I find solace there's only one way

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath without seeing your name
And I can't take the distance
The distance